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Oh Bernstein and Chasnoff,
Where do you get off,
Thinking you're only two of twenty.

Oh Andy and Larry,
You're so damn hairy,
Why don't you go and take a bath?

(Because..)
You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But you just don't know when it'll happen.

You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But the time's just not right for that action.

Klopstein and Cabot,
We just won't have it,
We know exactly who you are.

Tariq and Shep Williams,
The pages they will fill 'em
Well, phony names will only go so far.

You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But you just don't know when it'll happen.

You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But the time's just not right for that action.

You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But you just don't know when it'll happen.

You're getting sued.
Bummer, dude.
But the time's just not right for that action.

","tabs","transcribed by Rich Steele

(main riff)

C > A > D > G

(chords over the chorus)

C > Bb > G > C > F
C > Bb > G > C > Bb > F > G

(ending riff)

E 15 12 12 12(h)13 12 12 17 17 14 14 14(h)15 14 14
B 13 13 15 15
G 12 14
D
A
E","","legacyAbbr","bandc",14,"cover","authorId","e2397ce3-857e-425f-925e-1cb30de780d7","legacyAuthor","Marc Brownstein","history","

Larry Chasnoff, Marc, and a mutual friend of ours, Keith Koslov, all spent their summers growing up together in upstate NY at a place called Schroon Lake. \r

I went to high school with Keith and knew Marc as his annoying prep school friend, way too soft for us public school Brooklyn thugs. Then a bunch of us went to see Phish in Sugarbush in 95, and Marc started telling about this band he was in, and I started telling him about this idea I had for a book. \r

Walking around the lots a kid from Penn recognized Marc from his band and got all excited. I thought to myself, "hmmm, if the book thing doesn't work out, maybe I can ride Brownstein's coattails a little." \r

A few months later, as the Biscuits toiled in relative obscurity, we came out with the first Pharmer's Almanac. Only about 6 people worked on it, but we wanted to make it look more like a community project, so we put a lot of fake names in the staff box. It was a mix of names of people from Schoon Lake (Nick Weiss) and completely absurd names like Harvey Klopstein, Tariq Ali and Shep Williams. \r

When Marc and Keith saw the book a few months later, they thought the fake names were hysterical. While I wasn't there, I assume they spent the next few hours making fun of Chasnoff and I on every possible level. And at some point Keith pulled out a guitar. The rest was history. \r

So that's where the song came from. ("Klopstein and Cabot/ we just won't have it/we know exactly who you are/Tariq and Shep Williams/ pages we'll fill'em/ but phony names will only go so far.) \r

I was all excited that I had a song with my name in it until people started coming up to me and asking "Hey, why did you get sued by Phish?" \r

I want to state, for the record, that we never were sued by Phish, never threatened to be sued by Phish, and never had any legal issues with Phish regarding the Almanac. Every interaction we've had with management has been positive. \r

We caught a lot of grief in the early years from about a dozen people on rec.music.Phish (I know, what a shocker, someone getting grief on an Internet discussion group) but we never got the same from management. \r

I'm not actually sure where the "You're getting sued/bummer dude" line came from, but I think it had to do with the fake names or maybe some of the flack we were getting on the Internet. \r

The Almanac ended up selling about 70,000 copies, but at some point I got tired of going to Phish shows and decided it was a lot more fun to see the Disco Biscuits. \r

~Andy Bernstein\r

Although its lyrics were never cerebral, Bernstein & Chasnoff connects the band to greater jamband lore. Musically the song is not much more complicated: There are two verses, each followed by a chorus, a bridge and chorus, a jam section, and a triumphant ending. At various points in its history, the ending has contained a bonus section (referred to as “Smell The Funk” only after it had been shelved).\r

For its first year, B&C did not contain any jamming of note (refer to 1/30/97 for some truly bizarre sound effects in the pre-Trancefusion era). Trancefusion era versions of 97 (of which 11/17 and 11/18 are extant) do little to suggest the song’s eventual heavy hitter potential. Beginning early in 1998, the song became a vehicle for some of the band’s most interesting early experimentations. 2/26/98 is of particular note, a 25-minute version that contains elements of what would make the song great. Even more significant is 3/21/98, the “Techno B&C,” and what is considered to be the first “Perfume version” of any song. The song remained strong, if slightly less noteworthy, for the remainder of 1998. Already its M.O. was becoming pretty clearly established—the song would regularly depart from blissful type one territory for spacey, sinister territory, and was the earliest example of this style of exploratory jamming.\r

One of the first jams of 1999 was a B&C jam, in the early morning hours of January 1. This B&C > Nughuffer was likely the greatest example of pure Trancefusion yet played at the time. The song stayed strong through 1999 (a high water mark for both the band and the song), with standout versions played on 4/24, 4/30, 5/5, and 9/11 of that year. In particular, the latter two are frequently cited as the strongest versions of the song.\r

The band took a hiatus from B&C during its author’s departure from the band, but it returned with a vengeance at Camp Bisco, split-up dyslexically over 8/25/00 and 8/26/00. Despite the fewer shows played in 2000, there is no shortage of strong B&Cs from the fall tour. Of these 10/27 is thoroughly unique, and a sleeper choice for best ever, while 12/28/00 is more reminiscent of the classic 1999 style B&C.\r

After 2000, B&C faded a bit into the background, although some standout versions do exist from this era. 4/24/01 received some attention for its inclusion in Steele’s Picks, 9/6/01 contains some fantastic fall 2001 jamming and one of the early Sound 1s, and 10/5/02 is remarkably strong (of course, as is everything from that show). 11/29/03 is a lesser-known but very interesting version, which may be the first to be jammed out of the bridge rather than the main jam section.\r

B&C was played just thrice in 04 and once in 05 before Allen joined the band. After a few versions in the winter and spring shows, it was absent for nearly the whole of 06, from 4/26 until 12/29. The 12/29 version is a much-loved mashup with Joy to the World, and features the return of the Smell the Funk section, shelved in January 1999 and busted out only once on 5/5/01. It would be played on every 07 version and then shelved again indefinitely.\r

2007 would be B&C’s second golden era, as nearly every version from that year is excellent and highly regarded. After the fairly standard Jam Cruise version, it was split three ways for the first time at the legendary Starland Ballroom run on 2/17, which featured numerous debuts, Allen first-timers, and bustouts. While it didn’t surface over the spring tour, the standalone version that opened Camp Bisco VI is probably the strongest standalone with Allen. In the fall tour, 10/16 is a particularly strong version (flying slightly under the radar due to a lack of available soundboard) and 11/1 contains the first jam into the beginning of the song with Allen, and since 4/4/02.\r

B&C was only played twice in 08, although 4/19/08’s monster inverted version (first inversion with Allen and first since 7/23/03) is a must-hear. After a single performance each in the winter tour and spring tour of 09, B&C was played six times in the four months from 10/3/09 to 1/28/10. Each of those 6 versions is inverted. In the post-wristgate era, B&C rarely produces a memorable jam, with two glaring exceptions: the stellar and spacey 2/3/17 B&C > Voices > B&C, and the monster dyslexic beginning that opened the second set of 10/19/20.\r

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Morph is who a boy you see, he's changing as we speak
from adavan to aleman in twenty-forms a week
A rock at three to feel still the wind at four to fly
POSTED BY BROWNSTEIN:
At TEN (tomorrow) we'll huff a mighty greer, cause troopers comin by.
ON UNCIVILIZED AREA:
At six he'll be in Texas, when Trooper's comin' by

All social situations, he handles like a dream
a chameleon in space and form, in color too it seems.
The ability to NOT BE SEEN, though you SEE him everywhere
POSTED BY BROWNSTEIN:
And Morph has said tomorrow, that you'll see him over there.
ON UNCIVILIZED AREA:
Morph in here tomorrow, and he'll be right over there.

Morph, Morph from dusseldorf, Changing all the time.
And if you stay the same one day, that night will be sublime
Morph, Morph from dusseldorf, no need to drink that wine,
Cause if you wish to break the date with your savvy concubine.

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October 21, 1996